(my mom as a young woman)

There are so many aspects of this record, that I'm not sure where to begin. Being my first solo album, I was attempting to capture the many different elements of my music. As a result, Cruel is an eclectic mixture of moods and subject matters.

When I first put Cruel out, it was so refreshing to finally get on CD some of the songs that had been following me around for the six years that came before it. You see, for me the process of creating a song needs to be able to run through its cycle in order for me to let it go and write something else fresh. There needs to be resolve.

A song starts out as a little inspiration and then it comes through the body, gets put into a form, such as a composition… and then gets shared and reflected onto people (listeners). The final step is for the song to be crystallized onto tape. Once that last step has happened, I can then let it go and move on. If a song that I care about doesn't get recorded (and tend to care about all the songs I write), I can end up feeling stuck because the cycle has not been completed.

Cruel was a result of about 6 years of compositions that needed to be crystallized. Of course, there were many more that weren't included. The ones that ended up on the album were chosen as a result of many factors. But anyway, it was a release and a beautiful feeling to let them go and let other people experience them on their own terms.

It was also nice to be able to have them recorded well, thanks to the beautiful and talented Julie Last and some other wondrous people who supported me and shared their talents on the project. I must say that Julie was such a gift because she was an experienced engineer who had engineered many great albums including a couple of Joni Mitchell's, John Lennon's, Ricki Lee Jones etc… It was damn refreshing to see this dainty woman being a complete powerhouse behind the controls. And I have to admit that at first the whole image was almost incongruous with everything I had experienced up to that point- which was that engineers were primarily men. But after watching her go off like a fucking wonder woman, it started to seem as natural to me as breastfeeding.

Julie was a tremendous role model and together we shared many of the same qualities- one of which was that we were both perfectionists. She was one of the first people I met, who like myself, would work until the job was done. Many people that you get with do not have this work ethic, even if you are paying them well. Fortunately for me, Julie believed in me enough to dedicate her time for free (since I was an independent artist without much of a budget). That was part of what worked about the whole situation. I knew she believed in the project and I could trust my music with her because of that. Anyway, it's good to be involved with those who are doing what they love- who are committed to the creation process whether or not it's for money.

I just feel that money is not the issue and should never be the focal point of making music- although money earned as a result of integritous work is an incredible thing which allows the ball to roll more freely. Those who work for the love of what they do, are people that I want to see get paid, because their heart is in the right place.

So here's a little bit about the cover and the content:
When I was thirteen my mom died at 41. The image that you see on the cover of Cruel is her as a young woman. To me, this image is very complex, haunting and encases the history of a beautiful, sexy woman full of the power from her sex or the powerlessness that hides behind it? Perhaps this is the story of so many women throughout history... that dichotemy, that...

Since her death, I have been trying to make sense of our relationship and the ways in which I carry on her legacy. Now this may seem strange, but her death was not merely a sad event for me- it was also a relief. Because of her own history and upbringing, she was not taught to be in integrity with who she really was. And as a result, her pain often got transferred onto me. See, I was a child who questioned things a lot and challenged her ideas a bit and this was I imagine pretty annoying... this little bold child who'd be looking at things in a fresh way, putting up that mirror, fighting to say the truth even if it meant me getting my ass kicked.

It really seems to me that she was always working very hard to be the kind of woman women of her generation were I guess trying to be, which in her case was a passive Mormon female, which unfortunately totally went against her nature. By nature she was powerful, which completely contradicted her "beliefs". ... so what I think I was witnessing when she'd flip out was a result of this terrible conflict within herself.

Why is it that humans love to torture themselves? Why does it become stylish for women to have big boobs and skinny bodies, when boobs are made of fat? It's a contradiction. It doesn't happen in nature as a general rule of thumb, yet we make ourselves miserable for not fitting into this ideal. Why do religious people deny sexuality when it's in our nature to be sexual? Why does religion preach about love but does such a shitty job of teaching people to love themselves as they are... unconditionally.. as it should be?

When my mom was on her deathbed, I wanted to confront her and tell her how I felt about the way she sometimes treated me, herself, wanted to be able to be real with her and have her recieve me in a real way... wanted to talk about things openingly without having her blow up at me.... knowing I'd probably never get the chance to do it again. But I didn't have the heart to because she was in so much physical pain. And I guess perhaps this is part of where some of my musical intensity comes from (though that intense emotion had already been transfered onto my singing voice well before her death.. I guess as a way to deeply deal with my need to let it all out). Anyway, I think not being able to say what I had to say has since then been transferred out into the world… this unresolve, which has probably been a major driving force for my art.

Is this a good thing?

I think so.

Doesn't it seem like some of the most beautiful things come from dark, sad places? It's one of the great paradoxes of life.

Anyway, so this is not an entirely sad story and it's not a story that is over yet. I believe that if she had lived, she would have come to terms with herself and gotten real. And I have felt that the best way to empower her memory and empower myself is to speak the truth of who I am... to try to pick up where she left off. Try to improve on things and learn the important lessons. She was always so damn concerned with what others thought of her that she wasn't really being herself. I think the thing to do as a human being is to learn from the mistakes of those who come before you and commit to a higher level of integrity. My mom had pride, but often had the wrong kind, a trait she adopted from her own mother. But she was such a powerful person despite herself and a multi-talented powerhouse as well.

So, all I can say is that I don't regret anything in my life. I don't regret my experiences- for they are the very fabric of what I bring to the music and I'm so grateful for that. Anyway, Mom is the wrapping of this record and it is called Cruel and the theme of her cruelty toward herself and to others is a theme that runs through the journey in many shapes and forms. It is the appropriate opening image for my first record. And since I am a person telling my story… because that is what I know best and that is what I want to express… I guess I was beginning with my beginning… in the woman who carried me in her alluring smile and her voluptuous hips… before I had even begun to begin.

- Jennifer Terran

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